im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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