loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
