I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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