There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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