Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
