Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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