We're facebook friends in real life
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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