i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
