peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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