He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
