Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
