I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
