8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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