dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
