True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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