I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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