I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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