Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
