You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
