Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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