Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
