Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
