I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
