I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize