I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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