I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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