Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
