did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Randomize
