the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
