whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
