So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
