He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
