We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
