You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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