i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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