that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
