i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize