id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
