I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize