If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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