Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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