Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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