The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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