Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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