made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
