I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
