WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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