He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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