my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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