I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize