I feel like abortions should bother me more
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize