im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize