i wish my penis had a tongue
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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